"I determined that I would not only bite the bait, but I'd snap the pole in half."
Do you ever wish you could just get through your illness without having people speculate about whether or not you CAUSED your own disease? Back in my college day, in the late 1970's I had unprotected sex. Often. I don't think that should doom me to die of cancer. What's the worst comment/question you've heard since your diagnosis?
I'm not really scared shitless. In fact, I feel plenty of that substance passing into my ostomy bag right now. I'm not scared. But I am a little nervous.
The biopsy I had was to test for cervical cancer. I don't know any results yet, but I have been doing a lot of reading. I am pretty sure we skipped the step of having a PAP smear when I first came to the doctor in California. We were so worried about possible colorectal or anal cancer, that we just explored that... and of course, found cancer.
What concerns me is that, in my reading about cervical cancer, which, like anal cancer, is caused by the HPV virus, I have learned that when it is in its late stages, cervical cancer spreads to the rectum and to the ureters, potentially blocking the ureters and causing the kidneys to stop functioning.
I had a tumor in my rectum and anal canal, cancer in nearby lymph nodes, and after chemo and radiation and surgery, I had a blocked ureter. The damage was thought to have been caused by radiation damage. But I'm now worried that maybe it wasn't scar tissue from radiation that caused the blockage. What if the cancer actually began in my cervix and spread from there to the rectum and also to the ureter.
I also read a little bit about statistics... and at the stage at which my rectal cancer was found, the five year survival rate is less than 30 per cent. But I am NOT going to give way to fear. I am going to be in that 30 per cent. And if it turns out there's more cancer, well... as my youngest daughter said the other night, "we've done this dance before." I won, earlier. I'll win the next round. I am not afraid. I am not scared shitless.
I am going to survive.
I have had enough of cancer and myriad complications of treatment. I'm quitting. I intend never to be sick again. Follow my journey from Hell to Health.